The year of the Ox

The Vietnamese have a gesture. It's a simple gesture that involves raising your hand to the level of your head and shaking it back and forth. This gesture is not to be confused with waving hello. Oh no. This gesture is not a hello, nor is it a goodbye. This gesture, although simple, is deceptively profound and so incredibly useful. It is used in various situations and it's meaning changes slightly with context. For the most part it means something like, "Whatever it doesn't work it's not my fault get out of my face you white girl or I'll punch you oh you wanted the drink on the menu well we don't have it don't tell me not to use my electronic dictionary I don't understand you get away from me my parents are rich and I can do whatever I want of course I'm going to charge you for the peanuts on the table oh the bike is broken that's fine I can't fix it and no we don't have that item on the menu either we actually don't have anything on the menu I tried to cut you off and you fell over well that's your own fault are you really only giving me that much money for carrying your bags you cheap bastard these things were heavy and I know you have loads of it again with the menu why are you even here if you can't speak Vietnamese don't ask me to work in a group I already told you my parents were rich how bout you just leave now before someone needs to file a missing persons report yeah like that would ever happen in Vietnam you're just going to wash up on the beach 8 days from now." The sentiment is doubled when you use both hands. Imagine you are reaching up to unscrew a lightbulb, but the light bulb is in line with your nose. Now do that with both hands. Good. You've got it. You are now one step closer to being Vietnamese. If you master the gesture and drive like you don't have eyes in your head, then you are so close to being Vietnamese the Jolie-Pitts might consider adopting you.

It's an all purpose gesture unless you want it to mean something positive. The gesture never expresses something positive, but it doesn't have to be a curse either. I'll elaborate. One night my friends and I went out on the town. I hadn't really been to many bars since I'd arrived so we decided to go to as many as possible this one night. In my short experience here in Vietnam, I've noticed that the menus are very extensive, even at bars. There are pages and pages of things to eat, things to drink, and things I hopefully will never eat or drink in my life. At a restaurant, half the menu will be food and the other half will be drinks. Pages and pages. Like reading a short novel. Steinbeck perhaps. The Pearl. I digress. So at the bars in Vung Tau, if you don't know what you want to drink ahead of time, you better bring your reading glasses and a nightcap (the nightcap that goes on your head, not down the hatch). I am one of those that knows exactly what I want when I go to a bar. Can you guess? Beer. Beer. Beer. Not only do I love it, but it is also the cheapest thing on the menu. My friends, however, were not as decisive as I this one night. They scanned the menu of mixed drinks, fruity drinks, coffee drinks, beer drinks, water drinks, Western drinks, solid drinks, frozen drinks, and drinks that you eat with a knife and fork. Most decided that beer was the optimal choice (god love 'em), but my one friend Ellyn decided to try the elusive "Long Is Land Ice Tea," spelled as such and pronounced in such a way as to be completely incomprehensible to the non-Vietnamese ear. So she pointed to the drink of her choice, the waiter nodded, and rushed off to fulfill the order. Not 3 shakes of a lambs tail later, our waiter returned with a frown on his face, and started shaking his hand at the level of his eyes as if to be unscrewing a lightbulb. We were perplexed. What could this man mean? One need not unscrew a lightbulb in order to make the "Long Is Land Ice Tea". He could tell we were not understanding, so he pointed to the menu and gestured with his hand again and shook his head. We knew he was trying to tell us something, but what? Then, like the sun coming after the rain, it dawned on is. Perhaps this tiny fellow means to say that the bar cannot make a "Long Is Land Ice Tea." Fair enough. Ellyn points to another drink. I believe it was a "Sex on a Beech," but it was dark in the bar so I didn't get a close look. The waiter took one look and gestured again with his hand ferociously. So no sex on any beech then. Ellyn looks again and points to her third selection. No good. Fourth choice? No good either. I think she finally settled on a beer. Success! Smart choice. So although the Vietnamese have what seems to be a very good drink selection, in reality it is too good to be true. And furthermore, if you do select a "Long Is Land Ice Tea" and the bar decides, "Yes, we can make that," there is about an 80% chance that your drink will come out the wrong color. Like clear, for example. A clear "Long Is Land Ice Tea". Or perhaps you wish to sip on a refreshing Mojito. Be prepared to be drinking any color of the rainbow. It could come to you blue the first time, green the second, and the third time you order it you might just be delivered a can of beer.

So that's the gesture. Learn it. Love it. Use it. Always order beer.